People are always telling me I hate too many things. What exactly do you LIKE? I guess I've been living in a tiny world of black and white, where everything worth my time I love and everything that slightly annoys me I hate. It's the typical hipster attitude.
I'm starting to see things in shades of grey. There is a middle ground somewhere. Some things are just OK.
The root of this attitude is that I'm afraid to be wrong. We all are. So I grip onto monotone ideals to prove myself right. If movie X is the best movie in the world and film Y is the worst, at least I'm right somewhere.
I have the hardest time applying this to people, who continually amaze and disappoint me, almost equally. So it's hard to accept people for all their flaws, because they aren't viewed in a realistic light. But here is my goal, to start seeing more things in grey. And I like the British spelling better.
Anyway, what is it about summer blockbuster films? They inspire me so much, but they are so poorly done. I spent most of the week in a mental stupor, wondering what to do with my free time. After watching the movie Batman Begins, my day brightens, the rain disappears and I accomplish a million things at once.
Today, I threw some books in the lake. One was on the history of art, one was a child's encyclopedia, the last was a dictionary of etiquette, a rule book. It makes me feel better that they're at the bottom of Winnipesaukee.
I burned a candle at both ends. I paid my debts. I danced around. I read.
I went poking around in the basement for the hundredth time. I'm still finding gems down there, such a Sega Genesis including games. Two weeks ago I discovered a SNES but it had none of the controllers or cartridges. Sarah, a teenage girl I am friends with was so happy she took it home and kept it. I don't know why.
Today, I found one of those skeleton sweaters that Ben Mowbray has. It makes me feel like a kid, but not myself. Some other kid's memories.
I found a book by Rush Limbaugh called See, I Told You So. I'm no environmentalist, but that is a waste of a tree. Inside, I found a bookmark that said, "a book is a present you can open again and again". Not in this case. I also found a wooden Garfield statuette, which I promptly threw in the lake and watched it float away. It went exploring.
I rifled through some old photos of my father, reminded that he was quite a weird, ugly kid. But the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Pictures of him make me think of what my kids are going to see when they look at my class photos. God forbid they ever discover Phetish. If they discover half the things I've created, I wonder how they will react.
Anyway, I'm doing my part to destroy history and create it and hold it special.
I'm beginning to see the majesty in God's plan for my life. I know how stupid that is to say, but what I mean, is I really couldn't imagine being who I am today and I can't imagine being who I will be tomorrow. Following God's blueprint is working out for me.
I do believe that God has a plan for everyone, but that doesn't mean predestination to me. You still have to choose to blindly follow an invisible man in the sky and no, it doesn't make sense, but it doesn't have to either. It's your choice, anyway. God isn't forcing it on you.
I think that's all I have to say today. Tune in tomorrow for more embarrassing things I do in private.
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