Catatonic

Alternate title for this blog could have been "Passive", since this is mostly a vague reference to the APC song.
The lyrics in the song "cold and catatonic" stick out to me each time I hear it.
There are a billion well-placed swearwords scattered throughout this entry.
If they offend you, GOOD. That's the whole FUCKING point of this blog.
To offend you, get under your skin, break your perfect little consciousness into pieces.

Well, my major is journalism. In case you didn't know or guess. I've become all stupid about this. Excited. Shitfaced. I've become like every other stupid, idealistic college student who thinks that because their attending university they can change the world. I look around me on campus and I see all these angry teenagers trying too hard. Fresh out of high school and their angtsy, antsy hormones pressure them to cast the first stones. They recycle or rally or paint or . . . write blogs. I judge them, but it's okay in my mind because I'm just as bad.

Duh.

I've started analyzing my behavior as either "journalistic" or not. The fact that I carry pen and notebook around with me everywhere makes me journalistic. Writing about 3 blogs a day, (no kidding), but only publishing about one, makes me journalistic. I stopped listening to my headphones in public so that I can listen to the sounds around me and take it all in. This is journalistic.

Someone asked what I was writing in my notebook. She said I must be paying lots of attention, I must be very observant. This is journalistic.

But I read very slowly now. I'm more late than early. I am failing more journalism classes than math classes. This is very unjournalistic.

I am making these observations because I am testing myself. I want to see if I have what it takes. And I adjust my behavior, to fit this ideal of "journalism", because this is my shitfaced dream, this is how I am changing the world, by destroying myself and becoming a "cold and catonic" android of information.

Today in JLS 130 I was told to write a lead for a police report. First my professor told us two basic types of leads. There is the inverted pyramid, which is all the important information at the top, boring details at the bottom. I was the only one in class who knew that. The second is the "anecdotal lead". You start out with a short story, then add a bunch of facts that make your readers care. That part is called the "Nut Graph", I think. My professor says, if you don't have one of those, then you don't really have a story.

It's best to give a small example. David smokes and dies of cancer. Why do you care? Because XX percent of people die from cancer each year. That's it.

This entry would be considered "anecdotal".

I read this actual police report, which I still have and never plan on throwing it away. I inhaled with excitement when it was placed on my desk, that is, and I started writing right away. Then I started to feel sick . . .

The narrative, the anonymous "cold and catatonic" voice of Officer X detailed a disgusting, horrible car accident involving six teenagers. There were details no one would ever publish in any paper, about how the bodies were strewn from the car, how this one teenager was screaming in agony as the paramedics assisted him. He screamed, "don't leave me", and they rushed him to the hospital. He died before he made it.

There were 90 pages of detailed information. My professor only gave us 2. This car accident that happened less than a month ago. Reading how this happened on Jennifer Miller's 16th birthday, she and her friends got shitfaced and drove 120MPH into a tree, I wanted to cry. I was horrified. Miller, as far as I know, was the only one to survive.

But I had to finish the assignment. I sucked it in and wrote it. I stuffed emotion. I'm no longer grossed out. Fuck, I've seen worse movies than this report. This "cold and catatonic" attitude, to me, was very journalistic. Or maybe just normal.

And I wrote a lead. And to me, it sucked. I was pressured, I wasn't doing an outline at all, blah blah blah. I don't mind, it was just practice, right? If I do become a journalist I will be doing this shit for a paycheck.

This blog. . . I forget the point. It's anecdotal, but there's no "nut graph". I have no reason for making you care. That means this writing sucks.

That means that this is very unjournalistic.