 | Chrysalis / Angel Wings This is an old blog I wrote on August 29th. . . I've wanted to publish it for a while now.
I do some pretty insane things. I'll speak my mind, stand up on stage, and tell someone how I truly feel without breaking a sweat. I can conduct illegal activity without panicking, I love doing whatever I want.
To the people outside me, I look like I have tons of self-confidence.
I've been thinking about it, deeply, and yeah, no I don't.
I don't have an ounce of self-confidence. And the reason I can be such a arrogant and ballsy person is simply because I have nothing to lose. I don't have enough self-confidence to feel I can fail.
There was a time when I talked to a girl when no one else would. There was time I stole a fire extinguisher. There was all those times I stood up to the lies my teachers told the classroom. There was those many things I said that everyone else was thinking, but no one would say.
Those actions had nothing to do with what I felt confident doing.
A self-confident person is a horrible thing to watch. They have something to lose, their confidence, so when faced with the situation of fight-or-flight, they'd rather not gamble away something so precious. They get cocky. They believe that they don't have to do something because they could if they wanted. Read that again.
I publish nearly all my writing. My friends who write don't, because they're afraid of being ridiculed. But that's not even factored in with someone like me, who feels no pressure whatsoever. A little feedback is nice, but it just gives me something I don't even want. A big head.
One day, I fear, I will grow up. I will sprout faith in myself.
And I am so afraid of what I will not do |
