Where The Teddy Bears Go To Die

Artist: Where The Teddy Bears Go To Die
Album: Where The Teddy Bears Go To Die
Rating: 4 out of 5
These aren’t exactly the Care Bears. Where The Teddy Bears Go To Die, Flagstaff’s most devilish, ursine death metal bandits, are releasing their self-titled debut this Saturday at the Orpheum’s third annual Hammerfest, blaring with all the growling and screaming of a grizzly versus a boy scout troupe. As the band’s vocalist, Gupie, puts it, the music “wraps you in its bear hug of cuddly rage.”
Since their formation in late 2008, the Teddy Bears have left their claw marks on Flagstaff’s local scene, playing with other heavyweight acts Regicide and Black Orchid. The Bears are Gupie on vocals, Mike Mercer on bass, B Low on guitar and Johnny Longhammer on drums. The quartet mixes thrash metal with hardcore punk, part Dethklok and part Sex Pistols, driven by their sardonic sense of humor and cynical social commentary.
“Drunk Driving Speed” is their snarling kick-off, a sarcastic one-finger salute to MADD, the cops and anyone driving alongside them. And even if it’s an old joke, the Bears mock Hot Topic groupies and dime-a-dozen pop-punk bands on “Skinny Jeans."
In the eponymous track “Where The Teddy Bears Go To Die” a New Kids on the Block tape is placed inside a talking teddy bear (Teddy Ruxpin, for those of you who remember those things) creating some of the creepiest, darkest metal riffs on the album.But the Bears have a violent side, too, like manic-depressives that went off their meds (bipolar bears?). Angry anthems and dark, hateful lyrics abound on songs like “Da Tofr Da Beddr” when Gupie sings “Landfill mouth/The s**t you spout/It can’t even be real/Clogged up ears/Don’t even hear/Too numb or dumb to feel.” The enraged “Ho Bag O’ S**t” curses out some cheatin’ whore with more f-bombs in two minutes than even the best gangsta rap.For their first studio album, Where The Teddy Bears Go To Die have done well, able to entertain metal fans (and a few non-fans) with the best and funniest thrash metal has to offer.