Dear Mr. Smith,
Hey, I saw your latest film, "I AM LEGEND". Guess what? It fuckin' blew. Would it be too much to ask for my money back?
Sorry for being so blunt, but you see, I don't like movies with plot holes, melodramatic acting, great-concepts-poorly-executed and predictable, overdone, I'm-gonna-save-humanity-by
Maybe I should blame the director for that piece of shit. I mean, you were just doing it for the money, I suppose. In that case, when you're done crying, could you forward this letter to Francis Lawrence? Thanks a billion.
While you're at it, why not tell the guy how a real apocalypse movie is made. Give Lawrence the money you now owe me, and have him watch the movie CLOVERFIELD. Maybe he'll learn something.
If you haven't seen it, I don't want to spoil the ending for you. Unlike your shitty film, where you die in the end and a Mexican woman saves the day, CLOVERFIELD is the kind of film you can only experience by watching it. So this isn't a review so much as a rave.
CLOVERFIELD is filmed using a home movie camcorder, which makes the film incredibly believable. I won't say what, but something is attacking Manhattan. You know, like a giant monster, maybe a magical cloud, maybe the Taliban. My friend thought it could be global warming. All I know is it wasn't some half-assed mutated cancer virus.
Anyway, as this something attacks the city, four people film it, and run around trying to escape this incredible destruction. I mean entire buildings collapse. It's something so epic, it reminded me of the World Trade Center collapse. Same city, same rolling clouds of dust, same chaos. What this means, it the reminiscence of those terrorist attacks was simply that: terrifying. I can't imagine how horrifying this film would be to someone who survived the collapse.
The film was also like a rollercoaster, because of the low budget filming. Nice, because this made it all the more real. The pandemonium in this film is perfect. Everything feels so real, like this is really happening, the city of Manhattan really is under attack.
Mr. Smith, or Mr. Lawrence, please don't make anymore movies if you're not even going to try. God forbid the entire American public loving your film when you don't deserve it.
Sincerely,
Mene Tekel
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